Postnatal Blues
Delivering a human being into the world is no mean feat. It takes over your body and understandably afterwards the hormones can do strange things to your mindset and how you feel.
For some this hormone imbalance results in postnatal depression which is a medical condition and should be raised with your GP so it can be addressed as soon as possible.
For me, I wasn’t depressed, I was delighted with the birth of my child but there were days when I had dark thoughts. My thoughts were more catastrophic, about what harm could come to the baby if I dropped it or it couldn’t breath for some reason or if I couldn’t adequately look after them. I think was a combination of hormones, the realisation I was responsible for another human being and my mind subconsciously processing all that was going on.
Some days I was down just due to utter exhaustion and feeling so overwhelmed with looking after another human being.
Looking back on it, it is a wonder I wasn’t worse! With really low iron, not having given myself a chance to heal, little-to-no sleep and fluctuating hormones, I would feel flat and empty with just pure exhaustion, like I couldn’t go on. I think the worst bit of that was not being able to identify what was happening and talk to anyone about it. My husband was a great support but he didn’t give birth and have the surge of hormones going through him that I did so he couldn’t be expected to completely get it.
As a first time mum I put such pressure on myself to be the best version of what I thought was right. I found the lack of sleep had a really bad effect on my mood swings and anxiety levels. I would be so overtired and strung out that when it came time to sleep I would lie awake at night stressing about not being able to sleep and then stressing even more about not being asleep and whatever I had to do or whoever I had to entertain the next day.
One of the hardest things, I found, was processing information when I was running on such little sleep. My mum and mother-in-law would come over to help out but naturally they would have a cup of tea and chat while there and tell me their news, I just I felt overwhelmed with the information they would tell me as my brain was strung out with so little sleep.
I wish I had recognised that this was pure exhaustion and I just needed some more downtime and rest.
Other days I would just sob: with the hormones fluctuating due to the breastfeeding, I didn’t feel like myself, I just really wished for a break but then I felt guilty as I had this tiny human to look after and the fact I was even thinking this made me feel guilty and ungrateful … so many people long for a baby and here was I not making the most of it, how wrong I was. The truth of it though, is that I just needed to pay more attention to my body and to my needs and explain to my husband what I was feeling and understand that these thoughts and feelings are due to hormones and lack of sleep and that, after the birth of a child, this is completely natural.
On my second child, I was much better! My iron levels weren’t as low post-birth and I felt the hormones and mood swings were not as bad. Also, I rested more and the silver-lining of covid lockdowns was that nobody could visit me. Thus, it meant less putting on a brave face and more actually tuning in to how I was feeling.
I put less pressure on myself to get out and about and instead focused on getting the feeding rhythm right with the baby, bonding with her and our toddler, who was getting used to having a sibling, and cooking healthy meals. My husband found it easier too, not having to feel like Mrs Doyle, making endless cups of tea and small talk to all the well wishers.
The delivery drivers did get to know us pretty well as we were getting presents delivered constantly, but even that I felt more relaxed about as I could stick them all in a big pile and then open and enjoy when I got a chance, as opposed to first-time around having to open and note down each present and who gave what for the thank you list.
If I did have a bad day where I cried and felt overwhelmed, I found inner strength knowing that this was normal and to be expected and to be less hard on myself. Thankfully, you rarely have two really bad days in a row, usually you have a bad day, things are awful, you hit a wall, have a meltdown but then it’s almost cathartic, you can let it go and build back up because tomorrow will be better … that’s what I found anyway!
