Mum’s Network – Find your Tribe
Being a mum can be lonely and challenging, it is a full-time gig. The best advice I would give anyone is to get a good Mum’s group.
In the early days when you are at home by yourself with a newborn it can be so tough. I felt so vulnerable, lost and fragile initially after having my first child, having a mums group to meet weekly to chat about the night feeds, the milestones, the weaning, the lack of sleep, the baby paraphernalia, the things no one will care about unless they are in that stage of life is invaluable.
For me it was my public health nurse and local health centre that helped me, my public health nurse informed me of a breastfeeding group of local moms that met weekly in the health centre. I went along after my husband went back to work in January, I think my son must have been about 6 weeks old at the time.
It was the best thing I ever did, they were so welcoming, no one judging, just positive encouragement. They had a WhatsApp group and added me to it, which, again, I found great for all kinds of info and support along the way, for example, moving from bassinet in the buggy to the next seat, how many feeds to do per day, stitches, mastitis, the baby offers that were in Lidl that week… a wide range of topics.
Luckily all of the mums in the group were in my local area so we soon started arranging to meet up in the park or at baby yoga or we would all go across to the local pub after the breastfeeding class for hot chocolates and food. God bless the barman who used to be so accommodating as we filled the pub with buggies and were all breastfeeding with the babies….I suppose it was good trade for them on a Tuesday afternoon though!
Then, when I was pregnant on my second child, I was incredibly fortunate that 6 of the mums from this group who I had become close friends with were also pregnant on their 2nd and due relatively close to me, so we once again had a ready-made mums group. This time around we could swap stories about the toddler acceptance and how tired we were with a newborn and a toddler.
We also relied heavily on each other as shortly after most of our second babies were born in Autumn 2020, there was a second lockdown. We supported each other through the first few vulnerable weeks on the WhatsApp group, with questions and chats on things such as colic, baby poo colour, feeds, sleep, nipple shields, the works. I did miss the face to face social interaction with other mums, particularly in January when Christmas was officially over, we were into another lockdown and the creches were closed and I had to mind my toddler during the day along with looking after the newborn.
Looking back on it, it was probably one of the hardest times of my life, breastfeeding a 3 month old through the night and getting patchy-at-best sleep to then wake and face into a day of minding and entertaining a 3 year old and a 3 month old with nowhere to go, bar lidl or the park, due to the covid lockdown.
Of course, it was in the depths of winter, so being outside for longer than 30 mins was freezing so I had to layer the kids up. Ellie wasn’t too bad as I had her in a snuggle muff in the buggy and completely wrapped up in blankets. Matthew I would layer in all the winter wet gear. I made a list of all the parks in our 5k, luckily there were a few to choose from so to motivate myself we would go to different parks each week.
Somedays Matthew would say to me “Mum, I don’t want to go to the park today” and I would have to just say “Sorry pet, but we can’t do anything else”. Also, as I was trying to get Ellie to nap from 11 -1 each day to maintain some sort of a routine, it was challenging at home as in the 20 mins needed to snuggle and cradle her to sleep, Matthew would start bellowing at me to do something and disturb her … so often the easiest thing to do was to get out and about with her in the buggy. I often find it easier to manage the two kids outdoors and the fresh air and change of scenery helped to keep me somewhat sane.
In January, in the 3rd lockdown, the official guidance was no household meeting outdoors so that meant no meeting a mum for a playdate in the park. By February, I was at my wits end, my husband took some time one afternoon a week so he could take the kids and give me a break. Also, we were able to start meeting my mum outdoors in the park from a distance and we took my mother in law into our bubble. Gradually, as the cases dropped and it got a bit warmer coming into spring, we were able to meet more people for playdates in the park which did help my spirits and definitely cheered Matthew up a lot, as smart as he is, he just didn’t really understand the lockdown and the situation that we were all in and it was so hard to explain why he couldn’t just see his friends.
He and us as parents were never so happy as when the creches opened back up in March and a bit of normality resumed. It was good for Ellie too, as she was getting a bit bigger now at 5 months and I was able to give her more attention during the day, and for me I could enjoy maternity leave again and my mum group face to face chats which resumed at last. Our options for meeting were still limited, we had the park or a local coffee hatch with a carpark around the side. We would stand in the carpark with the babies in the buggies and chat but we didn’t mind once we could catch-up and support each other!
Having spoken to other mums, I think they have found mum’s groups through a ClapHandies class or online via Cuidiu or La Leche and then this has translated into a WhatsApp group and meeting offline.
There’s no question that your world is transformed when you have a baby, it is amazing how you can bond with other Mums once you open yourself up to this interaction on maternity leave. Even when you are back to work you are still doing the same family activities at the weekends, these other mums are at the same stage in life as you and they get it, they are your tribe! They are funny and kind and caring and more than anything they get it, I love my husband to bits but there is nothing like another woman and mother to share in your problem and give you advice when you need it!
